helicopters

I live near UC Berkeley, where protests continue against the 32% increase in tuition fees, cuts in course offerings, and staff pay cuts.  Today the police began trying to forcibly put a stop to the demonstrations that are now in their third day.  Pepper spray, batons, riot gear, the usual violent, unnecessary tactics.

Right now I can hear helicopters in the air.  Probably news copters, but no doubt police helicopters as well.

I hear helicopters and I think of Miami.  It was six years ago this week that I was there doing legal support for activists protesting the Free Trade Area of the Americas.  The helicopters were overhead all day, every day, and all night, too.  It was often hard to sleep.  When I got arrested that Friday in the police sweep (video, trigger warning) and taken to jail, the one consolation was that the thick walls kept out the sound of the helicopters and I finally got some rest.

I hear helicopters and I still get a sinking, sickly feeling in my gut.  I hear helicopters and I know that I was right to stay away from the demonstrations, even though I fully support the students, faculty, and staff who believe that quality public education should be accessible to all, not just to all who can afford it.

It’s been six years, but I’m still selective about the kind of protest actions I take part in.  Immediately following Miami, I made the mistake of  not waiting longer before jumping back into activism and actions that kept tearing the scabs off my still healing emotional wounds.  I didn’t realize how much trauma I’d experienced, not until it began manifesting in other areas of my life, becoming a crippling anxiety that finally forced me to rest and recover.

I hear the helicopters and I am grateful for the healing I’ve experienced so far.  I hear the helicopters and in the safety of my home I pray for the safety and emotional well being of the demonstrators.

how we view war

Last month I noticed these two posters side by side, and was struck by how they’re related.  One almost necessitates the other.

Ashby BART Station, Oct 2009

The first one is for a revival of the musical South Pacific, the Rodgers and Hammerstein show that, while being ahead of its time in examining racism, gives a portrayal of the Pacific theater of WWII as time spent in a tropical paradise, where yes, there’s some occasional combat, but for the most part problems had to do with deciding which fruit to “pick right off the tree” as you sang about missing the dames back home.  The bloody combat of the Pacific theater, while part of the plot, is given far less attention than the romantic songs and storylines.

South Pacific is based on a book by James Michener, and a story is told of him meeting a Navy flight surgeon. The surgeon comments,”Mr. Michener, I fought in the South Pacific in World War II, but I never realized how much fun it had been until I read your book!” Michener replies, “I never realized how much fun it was either, until Rodgers and Hammerstein set it to music!”  In terms of capturing the reality of what happened, it really misses the mark.

So why does this matter?  After all, it’s just a musical, right?  So what if it’s not accurate about what happened?  What does it have to do with the other poster?

The second poster reads “It takes the courage and strength of a warrior to ask for help” and provides a hot line for war veterans who are having trouble coping with their life after active duty.  Ad campaigns like this are needed because there is such a stigma about asking for help in coping with emotional trauma.  Soldiers are expected to be tough, to be able to cope, to not show signs of weakness.  While civilians sing and dance, veterans are suffering in ways we can’t understand.  The South Pacific revival is just one of the ways we shield ourselves from taking an honest look at war can do to a person.

When we as a culture diminish or make light of how ugly and traumatizing war really is, we make it even harder for veterans to open up and talk about their experiences.  Song and dance have their place, but if they become one of the ways we convince ourselves that war really isn’t all that bad, we’re less likely to put all of our efforts into stopping wars before they begin, or looking at alternatives to ending conflict and injustice.  That’s not a good way to honor the troops.

on leaving

After my post about emotional triggers I realized that there are still a lot of people who don’t know I’ve left the Catholic Church, or what that means for me.  Of the people that I have told, the responses have ranged from a look of shock, a knowing nod, or questions.  The questions are usually the same.

One of the questions I get asked is the “tipping point” question, as in what, after all this time, finally made you decide to leave?  What was the last straw?  What event, scandal, pronouncement from the Vatican, etc finally caused you to say “enough!”?

There were many.  There were none.

Maybe in another post I’ll write more about the issues I most struggled with in the church (and those of you who know me can probably guess those already).  But in the end, those issues don’t explain why I left.  This was not an intellectual exercise of weighing pros and cons.  This was a soul decision.

The other question I get asked is if I’m leaving the Catholic Church because of a conversion to a different belief system.  Am I converting to a different religion?  Am I joining a church where I could be ordained a minister?  No, this isn’t about wanting to be another religion or another Christian denomination.  I’m not leaving because I’ve found something “better” for me.

The thing is, I’m still a Catholic, and I will always be one.  In spite of everything, “Catholic” is still the best way to describe my spirituality, as well as my cultural identity.  But for me there’s a big difference between being a Catholic and being an active member of the institutional Roman Catholic Church.  It’s the human institution I’m leaving behind, the one that, instead of helping me draw closer to God, was keeping me from more fully experiencing the God who is Love.

The best answer I can give for why I left: I am tired.  For a very long time my soul felt heavy and restless, and the longer I stayed active in the Church, the less peace I found.  I lost sight of God inside the walls of the institution.  It wasn’t until I walked away that I was really able to hear the voice of God’s Spirit, the Comforter.  The Spirit’s voice was a single word: “Rest.”

So here I rest, Catholic but not Catholic, still seeking the intercession of the saints and the counsel of the Spirit, but no longer in connection with a formal faith community.  It is a sad and sometimes very lonely process, grieving a deep loss and facing a lot of uncertainty as to where this will all lead.  But the Spirit’s voice remains, inviting me to rest, and that is enough of an answer for now.

map legend

how to find your way (taken @ a Berkeley bus stop)

california is not the midwest

Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself what time of year it is.

trigger points

This weekend I had the choice of attending a workshop on “Learning to Manage Emotional Trigger Points” or attending an ordination ceremony for classmates who are being ordained Catholic deacons (and who will soon be ordained priests).  Since past ordinations I’ve attended have tended to be a bit on the triggering* side for me, it seemed fitting to opt for the workshop.

Part of my decision to leave the Catholic Church has to do with needing to distance myself from negative triggering events.  I miss attending Mass on Sundays, but I don’t miss being reminded on a regular basis of the hurt inflicted on me and on people I love by Catholics in positions of authority. I don’t miss the feeling of tense dread that would sometimes invade my prayer, painful memories surfacing and making it difficult to stay for the entire liturgy.

I am happy for my classmates who were ordained this weekend.  I know that they are doing their best to follow the Spirit’s call and serve God and neighbor.  I will continue to try to do the same.

*Being triggered is when a person “experiences a current event that activates feelings or thoughts associated with a past event, often a traumatic one.”

a resource for burnout prevention

Over the years I’ve seen many people go through burnout.  It happened a lot to volunteers in New Orleans, and I saw it happen during my brief stint as a youth minister.  The activist community also has a very high rate of burnout.

This past April I had the privilege of working with the Youth Worker: Collective as they revamped their workshop format on self-care and rejuvenation for people who work for or on behalf of youth.  But the workshop isn’t just a professional resource for youth workers; it can be used in any community looking for new ways to avoid burnout.

In addition to helping draft the curriculum, I wrote a paper that explains some of the whys and hows of what we did  (I happened to be taking a pedagogy course at the time).  I tried to keep the academic jargon out of this draft, so hopefully it’s an accessible read.

The workshop curriculum and materials can be downloaded for free at the Youth Worker: Collective website by clicking here.  Use all or part of it as it makes sense for your particular community.  And if you’re in the Bay Area and would like some facilitators to do a workshop, get in touch with the folks at the Youth Worker: Collective.

Niagara Falls, not just for honeymooners

Visitors to Niagara Falls today got a reminder that the natural beauty and well being of our planet is threatened if we don’t put an end to environmentally disastrous practices like the production of tar sands oil. Major props to my friends Nick and Logan and all the folks who took part in this action today!

clipped from itsgettinghotinhere.org Before dawn this morning, a small team of climate and Native Rights activists rappelled from the US observation deck at Niagara Falls. Dangling hundreds of feet above the ground, they sent a special welcome message to Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper ahead of his first official visit to the White House to push dirty Tar Sands oil. Tomorrow’s visit to the U.S. by Prime Minister Harper is the latest attempt by Canadian Federal and Provincial officials to lock in subsidies for 22 new and expanded refinery projects and oil pipelines crisscrossing 28 states, which would transport and process the dirty tar sands oil. Many are concerned that Prime Minister Harper wants to protect the tar sands oil industry from climate regulation, even though it is one of the fastest growing sources of greenhouse gas emissions in Canada.

Sarah, Shane, and Josh

It’s been 1 month since three hikers from the U.S. were detained for accidentally crossing into Iranian territory. They are known and loved by people I know and love, and I continue to pray for their safe return.

Please go to the website posted below and support them.

clipped from freethehikers.org FREE THE HIKERS SHANE BAUER, SARAH SHOURD, JOSH FATTAL Shane Bauer, Josh Fattal and Sarah Shourd have been detained in Iran since July 31, 2009, when news reports say they accidentally crossed an unmarked border during a hiking trip in the mountains of Iraqi Kurdistan. They were in a peaceful region of Iraq that is increasingly popular with Western tourists. The three young Americans, all graduates of the University of California at Berkeley, are believed to be held in the Iranian capital, Tehran. They have not been charged with any crime, have had no contact with their families, and have not been granted their right to consular access. Shane, Josh and Sarah care greatly about the world. They admire and respect different cultures and religions and share a love of travel that has taken them to many countries. That’s why they went to Kurdistan, not because they wanted to enter Iran.

more about Tristan

I think that feeling a sense of righteous anger at this latest news would mean that I was also feeling some kind of surprise or shock. Sadly, the continuing injustices done to Palestinian civilians and their supporters is far too commonplace. The only difference in this latest injustice is that it is directly impacting someone I know, and that makes my sadness deeper.

I continue to pray for Tristan’s recovery, and continue to hope and advocate for a just peace in Palestine and Israel.

clipped from www.maannews.net Bethlehem – Ma’an – Israel has declared the shooting of unarmed American demonstrator Tristan Anderson in the West Bank to be an “act of war” in a bid to avoid compensating his family. Tsemel, the civil suit attorney told Ma’an that the “act of war” designation automatically releases the government from paying compensation under a recently-amended tort law. Israel makes this designation “all the time,” in tort cases involving Palestinian victims, she said. “If a process by which unarmed civilian demonstration is classified by Israel as an ‘act of war,’ then clearly Israel admits that it is at war with civilians,” said Attorney Michael Sfard, who is handling the criminal side of the Anderson case, in a statement circulated by the International Solidarity Movement (ISM). Anderson was shot at a distance of 60 meters while standing with a group of Palestinians and international activists, hours after the demonstration had been dispersed from the construction site of the Wall.

If you would like to make a donation to help with Tristan’s ongoing medical care, click here.